When I was 20, and a smoker, losing weight was a cinch. If I had a big party to go to on the weekend, by Wednesday, I would start pounding back the water (pure Canadian tap), smoke 3 packs a day and just not eat. That worked like a charm and I would be down 10 ell-bees by Friday night. Simple, effective and at the indestructible age of 20, I felt 75 cigarettes a day seemed like a reasonable option.
Well, the decades have passed, the smoking has stopped and the ass has grown. (Can I write ass?) Let’s move on. My ‘behind’ now includes behind and beside. And the two major contributing factors are nixing the smoking and having kids. Both are life enhancing. Both are butt widening.
First off, there is the quitting of the smokes. I mean, after 19 years, I had to quit. And I certainly don’t regret it. Quitting is listed under Major Accomplishments on my resume. I realized the physical addiction, those sticks owned me, but wow, emotionally, everything that happened, good or bad, included smoking. “I got the job! Let’s smoke”. “I’m working like a dog – let’s smoke”. “I got the promotion – let’s smoke”. “The company folded. Let’s smoke”. Smoking was always invited to the party and when I quit, it was hard to say “I got a better job – let’s eat carrots sticks”. So “Lets eat chocolate” became the substitute.
Secondly, having kids forced me into elasticized waistbands. There’s only one way out of a 9 month pregnancy so when my mind wandered to the ‘do date’, which is like anticipating getting hit by a bus, my body wandered to the fridge. I also spent a lot of time as the official designated driver so why not cruise by the dessert table one more time when he’s bellying up to the bar? Now, with those pregnancies quite literally ‘behind’ me, I finish the grilled cheeses and left over chip crumbs. If the youngest can’t lick that ice cream cone fast enough in the summer sun, he can count on his mom to clean up all the drips and dribbles.
Where has all this left me? On a diet. Listen to this radical approach I’m taking to weight loss. I’m eating fruits and vegetables, choosing lean cuts of meat, reading labels to ensure low fat, low salt, low carb and high fibre, consuming lots of water, limiting my coffee and including exercise in my daily routine. Yuck. And by adopting this new lifestyle, I can expect the pounds to slowly melt away. Its not fair that I get slow weight loss in an instant messaging world.
Maybe I’d be better off seeing a psychiatrist and working through my dysfunctional eating patterns. After all, they are nicknamed ‘Shrinks’, aren’t they?