I was driving around town the other day, fawning over my new hair cut and colour in the rear view mirror when I heard Drewpy say from the back seat “Mom, I don’t want my lesson in life to be ‘never drive in a van with someone checking themselves out in the mirror and not watching the road’.”
Tearing myself away from … well, myself, I asked “And what would you like your life lesson to be?”
“I don’t know. I’m only 11. I don’t think I’m supposed to know yet. I just know that I will have a life lesson and I will want people to remember it.”
Am I raising the Dalai Lama?
But it got me thinking about what lessons I’ve learned that perhaps as a card carrying member of humanity, is my duty to share. Here is but a sample of the vast wisdom gained thus far:
1. To laugh, to laugh loudly and to laugh often … except when you are pulled over to the side of the road after getting stopped for speeding or when you are fielding inquiries from Ottawa about your most recent income tax return.
2. Don’t spend hard earned money on a Golden Retriever puppy. Go to someone’s house that has a full grown Golden Retriever, sweep up all the heaps and piles of shedded fur and simply build your own dog from scratch.
3. Put oil in your car. They only give you a starter supply when you purchase a vehicle and you are supposed to change it regularly. Who knew?
4. If your culinary talents are limited to nuking hot dogs and heating soup, do not prepare a dish when you are going to a house party filled with great cooks. Bring flowers.
5. Practice driving at least once before taking the road test for your driver’s license.
6. When your spouse says “Stop trying to change me, you can’t!” Know that you can. But you will need a divorce lawyer.
7. Do not confuse driveway de-icer with fertilizer when planting cedar hedges. Garden Tip #214 – Cedar hedges don’t like de-icer.
8. Don’t go down hill skiing with cross country ski’s on.
9. Not matter what they tell you, it’s ALWAYS a pyramid scam.
And remember those provocative words of Confucius: She who stares at own reflection in rear view mirror too long soon finds only vanity looking back and her youth laughing behind her.”
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mothers Day Card a Joker
If Mothers Day is going to keep coming with a Brunch, I think we have to lay off the sappy cards – at least until the French toast is digested. Who writes these cards? Is this truly how they feel about their mothers?
“You are the river of knowledge from which I drink”. Ahhhh. I’m gonna lose my greasy bacon!
“You are a delicate rose wrapped in lace, forever ready with a warm embrace”. Omigosh. I cringe. My face tightens. My brow furrows. It’s so rhymey and fake.
And what is up with the corny cover pictures? Everything blasted with pink and bunches of flowers. Sometimes other bits of nature make their way onto the front cover too – a dove or sparrow, a babbling brook or perhaps a snowcapped mountain.
The text style tends to be swoopy and fancy. Some cards have raised lettering, ribbons along the crease or onion skin gently embossed with scattered rose pedals. Yuck.
The card makers use the same artwork as they do on get well cards. Why do they feel they need to cheer us mothers up?
Is it because they know we’re going to have to stand in a long, loud buffet line with hundreds of other hungry families?
Maybe the card is supposed to make us forget that we never get the golf day. That’s Fathers Day. They get tee time. We get tea.
Mothers Day embodies the guilt that comes with the job. We never risk hurting anyone’s feelings by suggesting we would like some quiet, alone time.
But how can you resist the little arms wrapped around your legs and the sweet face beaming upward and promising “We’re never going to leave your side today, Mommy, and we’re going to keep asking you to get us stuff so you’ll never be bored”.
Or maybe “You are so lucky that you have kids, Mom, or you wouldn’t have gotten this pink card”.
The truth is I feel more like a mom when I clean out my purse and remove the dinky cars, dried wet wipes and stray superheroes then when I read “you are a calm wind blowing gently through the garden of my life”.
My last card was homemade by one of my boys and showcased crayoned pictures of the family smiling and wishing me a happy day. “Great drawing! You have your dad and your brothers in it. If I’m not in the picture, what am I doing?” I ask. “Oh, you’re doing laundry. When are we leaving for breakfast?”
“You are the river of knowledge from which I drink”. Ahhhh. I’m gonna lose my greasy bacon!
“You are a delicate rose wrapped in lace, forever ready with a warm embrace”. Omigosh. I cringe. My face tightens. My brow furrows. It’s so rhymey and fake.
And what is up with the corny cover pictures? Everything blasted with pink and bunches of flowers. Sometimes other bits of nature make their way onto the front cover too – a dove or sparrow, a babbling brook or perhaps a snowcapped mountain.
The text style tends to be swoopy and fancy. Some cards have raised lettering, ribbons along the crease or onion skin gently embossed with scattered rose pedals. Yuck.
The card makers use the same artwork as they do on get well cards. Why do they feel they need to cheer us mothers up?
Is it because they know we’re going to have to stand in a long, loud buffet line with hundreds of other hungry families?
Maybe the card is supposed to make us forget that we never get the golf day. That’s Fathers Day. They get tee time. We get tea.
Mothers Day embodies the guilt that comes with the job. We never risk hurting anyone’s feelings by suggesting we would like some quiet, alone time.
But how can you resist the little arms wrapped around your legs and the sweet face beaming upward and promising “We’re never going to leave your side today, Mommy, and we’re going to keep asking you to get us stuff so you’ll never be bored”.
Or maybe “You are so lucky that you have kids, Mom, or you wouldn’t have gotten this pink card”.
The truth is I feel more like a mom when I clean out my purse and remove the dinky cars, dried wet wipes and stray superheroes then when I read “you are a calm wind blowing gently through the garden of my life”.
My last card was homemade by one of my boys and showcased crayoned pictures of the family smiling and wishing me a happy day. “Great drawing! You have your dad and your brothers in it. If I’m not in the picture, what am I doing?” I ask. “Oh, you’re doing laundry. When are we leaving for breakfast?”
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