When my mother-in-law appeared in my doorway, I dropped my head to avoid making eye contact.
I knew why she had popped over. She and my father-in-law were going to Portugal for a big whoop-it-up holiday.
“I have a favor to ask of you” she said.
Please let it be that she needs a kidney upon her return.
Or that she feels I’m genetically inferior to be her son’s life partner and wants me to pack my bags and leave quietly in the night.
Maybe she wants custody of the kids. She’s great at making pancakes shaped like the first letter of their names and she would be a whiz with the math homework.
“Do you mind, while we’re away…”
I backed away from the doorway. Buy you lottery tickets? Pick up your mail? Record Dancing with the Stars? Scrub your kitchen floor with a toothbrush?
“… look after my plants?”
No. No. No. Anything but that! I can’t do it. Come on, take the kids and raise them as your own. With God as my witness, I AM NOT CAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER YOUR AWARD WINNING BOTANICAL GARDENS!
She set a date for a week later when I was to come over to walk through her foliage beautification routine. I could only hope my appendix would burst and I would be laid up in the hospital. No such luck.
We started indoors.
“This lovely likes to be watered from the bottom, never the top. With this one, you fill the water bottle and turn it upside down in the soil. I’ve started these flats from seeds. Be sure to tip the tray gently so the water trickles east to west. “ Omigosh, I’m in trouble.
“This seems a bit dry.” I offered as I felt the soil in a flower pot on the counter. “Should we water it now?” I asked.
She plunged a knowing finger into the soil and immediately crunched her eyebrows together in a concerned look.
“Oh, no, its fine. You wouldn’t want to over water it”.
OKAY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. MY FLOWERS ARE PLASTIC! I’M THE WRONG PERSON FOR THIS JOB!
We headed outdoors to her newly purchased crowd of trees that she won’t have time to plant before she leaves. My job was to keep them alive in pots.
“Is there some warranty on these? Can I sign a waiver stating I’m not responsible if they band together and go on a hunger strike?”
She’s not amused.
“Watch the Weather Network. If there is a frost, you’ll have to burlap bag the shrubs out front. And if the weather gets nice and there’s no rain, you’ll have to move the hose around. We don’t have the automatic sprinkler system on yet.”
Oh, sure, have it on when you’re home.
You know how sunflowers always look towards the sun? Well, the second my in-laws left, her flowers looked towards the yellow pages for Competent Plant Sitters.
But guess what? Lucky, lucky me! My mother in law’s long time pal and gardener extraordinaire, Dandy Sandy, was relocating to our area and her new house wasn’t ready yet. She had to take up residence at the family homestead. “That’s too bad” is what I said -- yahoo is what I felt.
Dandy Sandy did it all. If there was a botanical homicide, it happened on her watch. I am innocent. Innocent, you hear!
And don’t think I’m an irresponsible big schlep. I picked up their mail while they were away and they get a lot of mail. Sure, I spilled coffee on some of it but it’s all still legible.
Their beloved son could have ended up with a green thumbed girl but would she have been so willing to hand over a kidney? I doubt it.