I don’t know if I should be mad or jealous or thankful but I have seen the vulnerable side of my man, Mickey D. It’s a curious side I’ve never known. He’s patient, eager to follow directions and attentive. His guard is down and he’s admitting for the first time ever that he needs help. Oh, not from me.
He’s under the spell of a new lady friend we’ll call ‘Sheila’. She’s smart, worldly and attractive and while she’s open to new ideas, she definitely likes to get her own way.
“Turn right in 500 metres” she says politely.
“Turn right in 100 metres” she says again as a gentle reminder.
And then, when you go against her wishes, comes “Resetting course and travel time” equally as polite but you know she’s thinking “Oh, didn’t want to turn right, eh? Well, you’re on course for Albuquerque now, Chump!”
She’s our new GPS – Global Positioning System. Or ‘Give Power to Sheila: Mind Controlling Piece of Suction Cup Technology’.
Our maiden voyage with Sheila was a round trip to Ottawa leaving from the cottage up around Northbrook, Ontario. She manoeuvred us through some small towns, over a few babbling brooks on a scenic drive that had us arriving at our destination (you know it was a soccer tournament) in plenty of time. It was a lovely drive that lasted about 2 hours.
In hind sight, I think we should have thanked her for the help. Because on the way home, after Mickey D reset her and suggested this time, she guide us back to the cottage via the ‘shortest route’ – she got a bit mean.
“Turn left at the next dirt road”
“When dirt road ends, take narrow cow pass for 16 kilometres”
“Take right at the next house with a broken washing machine tipped over on the front lawn”
“No, not this house. The NEXT house with a broken washing machine tipped over on the front lawn”
“Continue past the field of unmarked graves for 22 kilometres. For your personal safety and that of your children, keep windows closed at all times and do not stop vehicle for any reason”
We drove on one lane dirt roads. We swerved to miss downed tree’s that lay across hydro wires. At one point, we tried to be positive by remarking on how nice a little marina was but then we looked to the left and saw abandoned boats stacked up on top of each other. Very ‘Hotel California” by the Eagles: “You can dock any time you like, But you can never leave”
Mickey D kept fiddling with Sheila.
“The cottage is in Northbrook, right? Is she taking us to Northbrook?”
Ah, my Mickey D, forced to give up navigational control to a ‘woman’ – I knew it was killing him. How many marriages have fallen apart because the man never stopped to ask for directions?
Truth is that the only reason the government is looking for alternate fuel sources is because men waste too much gas driving around in circles and are warming up the planet. Men being lost is the cause of the energy crisis.
So NASA technologists teamed with environmentalists to design the GPS. They knew men would follow a sweet looking little digital gadget with lots of buttons, hi def screen, a soft, agreeable female voice that came with touch technology.
When we pulled into the cottage, I’m positive I heard Sheila whisper “You did a great job, my big strong man”.