A horrible thing has happened since my last column. I’ve turned 44. Whew – I just got chills. The occasion was marked with a cake boasting two very big, neatly lined up 4’s. Nice touch. I suppose it was in case the number had slipped my mind or my eyesight had started to fade (which it has, sniff sniff).
To me, 43 seemed so 40-ish. Forty is after all, the new black. It’s chic and hot to be forty. Its “I am woman, hear me roar” time. You’re pre-belly fat, pre-menopausal and post diaper changing – hooray for 40!
But it’s a short lived celebration.
Once you get to your mid forty’s, the party is over and it’s less about pro-living and more about anti-aging.
Itchy, my ‘man in the middle’, is an advertising junkie so I’m used to hearing things like:
“Mom, Mom. A store on TV said if we buy one pair of shoes from them, they will give us another pair of shoes for like 50% off. Fifty percent off, Mom – that’s almost free.”
Well lately, he has shifted his attention to personal care products for me:
“Mom. You’re gonna love this. I just heard about this cream that you wipe on your face everyday for a week. Then you wipe it a few times during the next week. And then all of your wrinkles will be gone and you will be young again. It would be like a miracle for you.”
Ah, the tender surroundings of a house filled with boys.
What about the old fine wine/cheese theory? That you get better with age?
Clearly the product manufacturers aren’t winos or old cheddar fans because they’re really pushing these age-defying, age-defending, age-fighting wrinkle erasers. We’re encouraged to rejuvenate, repair or replace whichever of our parts is not going along with the ‘anti-aging’ program. Aren’t we throwing the grown up, wrinkly baby out with the Epsom salts bath water, here?
I mean, what exactly is the ‘anti-aging’ movement? I’m all for slowing down the hands of time but I’m not exactly anti aging. The alternative to aging seems rather grim.
The Dream Lips Age Defying Plumping Serum offers immediate plumping results. So does a Big Mac. I just have to figure out how to get it to go to my lips.
Revlon has an Age Defying Concealer with Botafirm. If I were them, I would rename it Butt-o-firm – the bigger the butt, the more it would take to conceal and defy – that’s a money maker.
One series of articles I read about wiping the age slate clean came from a guy that also informs on decorative night lights. That’s it – let’s hide in dimly lit rooms while we treat ourselves to a mud mask guaranteed to restore our youth in less than 10 minutes.
I’m not falling for any of this junk. I am who I am and if nothing else, being in my mid forties (gulp, still kinda hard to say) has taught me one thing:
Don’t fall for all the gimmicks and magic anti-aging potions – just hang out with people who are a lot older than you.