Summer makes being a bossy parent much harder. It’s just too easy for the kiddies to hide in plain sight.
"Drewpy, when we get home, I need you to …"
"Drew, I need you to ..."
"Drew, please stop, I need..."
"Drewpy, please…”
Submerge. Submerge. Under the water he disappears again.
My kids go all “Hunt for Red October” in my in-laws pool as soon as they hear the start of a sentence that sounds like I’m going to ask them to do something.
Sean Connery couldn’t track ‘em with sonar. They stay lurking beneath the surface figuring if they don’t hear the instructions, they can’t speak or acknowledge the instructions.
I bet the record holder for holding their breath underwater is some kid from a dairy farm whose mom was trying to get him out of the pool and into the field for cow patty clean-up.
There’s tons of sneaky, defiant, “huh, did you say something?” summer fun for kids.
In our house, it’s been so hot that they know when they ask to play video games down in our chilly basement, I’m very likely to say yes.
And they have realized that my yes not only gets them a mid-day video party, but it also provides a "Sorry, but we couldn't hear you" easy out when I'm on my third, high volume yell down the stairs looking for someone to walk the dog.
Summer was invented for kids who want to run away from home without actually leaving. They get all the benefits of a cushy life as they hoodwink their powers that be.
"I didn’t see you, Mom."
"You didn’t see me looking like a fool waving my arms wildly to signal I wanted you home to cut the grass?"
"Mom, I was on my bike at the other end of the street. You wanted me to get more exercise. I’m sorry."
Everything they say is so sugar-coated in innocence.
Winter doesn’t blow in with all the same built in ‘get out of jail’ free cards.
It even takes more time in winter to get suited up for the outdoors – plenty of time between snow pants and mittens to bark out a few “don’t forget to unload the dishwasher when you come back in” or “I want that homework done before dinner”.
In the summer, they are just a pair of flip-flops away from a great escape.
"Can someone help me carry up the laundry hampers? Hello? Guys, can someone..."
Scuffle scuffle scuffle schlink shlump schlink shlump shhhhwap schlink shlump BANG
"Was that the door? Is anybody up there? Hello? Hello? Where did everybody go?"
See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. That’s the summer mantra for my three wise apes.
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
You gotta know when to fold ‘em
Every once in a while, you hear about some famous person who never fly’s – they travel around by bus. It’s so not cool. Dolly Parton was recently showing off her bus on Oprah.
“Here’s my teeny tiny bathtub. Here’s my itty bitty TV screen.” But you were a big sensation, Dolly. Show us your private plane and ‘islands in the jet stream’.
She was very excited about one special feature on board: she can simply hit a button and a solid, flat panel will slide out from one wall and click into the opposite wall so she can separate one room from the next. Isn’t that a similar technology to ‘the door’?
Dolly – you’re known for your big hair, big lashes, and big sequins but now you’re big busted in your old-styled transportation.
Younger stars are bragging about hopping on shuttles to the moon and ‘here you come again’ rolling into Chicago in the Partridge Family tour bus.
Travel in 2010 style: Helium filled breast implants. Just politely pass a little gas whenever you need to float down to do a concert.
It would work for her because every aging country music singer loves their plastic surgery. Is their goal to slow down Father Time’s wrath or are they looking to be completely transported back to puberty?
Dolly brought her old pal Kenny Rogers with her to Oprah for a duet. Sheesh - that Kenny Rogers was the gambler alright when he went back for more nip / tuck. Is he getting his work done under the care of Oscar Goldman and the doctors at OSI – Office of Scientific Intelligence? That’s the place that made the promise to the Bionic Man Steve Austin, “We can rebuild you – we can make you better, stronger, faster”.
It’s very disconcerting to hear the voice of Kenny Rogers coming out of an apple face doll.
I hated Ruby for taking her love to town but Kenny, many spouses say “I don’t know you anymore” but Ruby could really make that statement.
“911? My name is Ruby. There is a strange pre-pubescent boy in my home. Yes, I can describe him. He has snow white hair, a snow white goatee, he’s coated in spray tan, his eyes are pulled so tight they are vertical and he keeps singing “Don’t fall in love with a dreamer” – no, Ma’m, he’s not a lawn gnome, he says he’s Kenny Rogers.”
When Kenny Rogers proposed to his wife, he said “I’m your knight in shining armour and I love you”. She said yes to the marriage proposal but did ask why he was wearing the shining armour.
“Oh, I just had 6 ribs removed to make myself look slimmer and this keeps the swelling down.”
Know when to walk away from self improvement and know when to run. Run, Kenny, Run!
Okay, okay, I’m done being mean spirited. I will always love you, Dolly and Kenny, truth be known, I wouldn’t mind borrowing that shining armour because I’m feeling about three times a lady and my control top super briefs just aren’t cutting it. Have you got Goldman’s number handy?
“Here’s my teeny tiny bathtub. Here’s my itty bitty TV screen.” But you were a big sensation, Dolly. Show us your private plane and ‘islands in the jet stream’.
She was very excited about one special feature on board: she can simply hit a button and a solid, flat panel will slide out from one wall and click into the opposite wall so she can separate one room from the next. Isn’t that a similar technology to ‘the door’?
Dolly – you’re known for your big hair, big lashes, and big sequins but now you’re big busted in your old-styled transportation.
Younger stars are bragging about hopping on shuttles to the moon and ‘here you come again’ rolling into Chicago in the Partridge Family tour bus.
Travel in 2010 style: Helium filled breast implants. Just politely pass a little gas whenever you need to float down to do a concert.
It would work for her because every aging country music singer loves their plastic surgery. Is their goal to slow down Father Time’s wrath or are they looking to be completely transported back to puberty?
Dolly brought her old pal Kenny Rogers with her to Oprah for a duet. Sheesh - that Kenny Rogers was the gambler alright when he went back for more nip / tuck. Is he getting his work done under the care of Oscar Goldman and the doctors at OSI – Office of Scientific Intelligence? That’s the place that made the promise to the Bionic Man Steve Austin, “We can rebuild you – we can make you better, stronger, faster”.
It’s very disconcerting to hear the voice of Kenny Rogers coming out of an apple face doll.
I hated Ruby for taking her love to town but Kenny, many spouses say “I don’t know you anymore” but Ruby could really make that statement.
“911? My name is Ruby. There is a strange pre-pubescent boy in my home. Yes, I can describe him. He has snow white hair, a snow white goatee, he’s coated in spray tan, his eyes are pulled so tight they are vertical and he keeps singing “Don’t fall in love with a dreamer” – no, Ma’m, he’s not a lawn gnome, he says he’s Kenny Rogers.”
When Kenny Rogers proposed to his wife, he said “I’m your knight in shining armour and I love you”. She said yes to the marriage proposal but did ask why he was wearing the shining armour.
“Oh, I just had 6 ribs removed to make myself look slimmer and this keeps the swelling down.”
Know when to walk away from self improvement and know when to run. Run, Kenny, Run!
Okay, okay, I’m done being mean spirited. I will always love you, Dolly and Kenny, truth be known, I wouldn’t mind borrowing that shining armour because I’m feeling about three times a lady and my control top super briefs just aren’t cutting it. Have you got Goldman’s number handy?
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