Real life is so much funnier than fiction. We can get ourselves into such messes!
Family was here from out of town recently and I was talking with Duke. Duke is a formidable guy. Big, solid, as sweet as apple pie and like Superman - he’s stronger than a locomotive. He’s the kind of guy you want on your football team or in the anchor position during a tug o’ war match.
We were talking about a local restaurant he was heading to for dinner when he shared this belly buster with me.
Back in his home town, there is a place that serves an endless list of chicken wing flavours. One of the selections is so brutally hot, anyone ordering them is required to sign a waiver. Now, I’ve never missed a meal in my life but I’d think twice if I had to sign away my legal rights before ingesting something.
Well, eating these wings were a bucket list item for Duke so he signed away. Matter of fact, he was so confident in his superhero abilities to swallow fire that he didn’t even read that stinkin’ waiver before scribbling his Clark Kent on the bottom line.
Six wings arrived. Duke made his way through 3 of them. That’s 2 more than a mere mortal could have managed. They weren’t “Gee, I’m sweating” hot, they were “OMG, I’ve lost the sight in my right eye” hot.
Duke excused himself and headed to the washroom. He wasn’t sick; he just needed to move around a bit and take a moment. Remember, these things did come with a warning.
About 15 minutes after returning to the table, Duke started to feel the heat again – BAD. Not in his mouth or on his fingers, not in his stomach … lower, lower … not twisting in his intestines … lower, lower, lower ….apparently that well intentioned but unread waiver included a warning to thoroughly wash hands BEFORE going to the washroom – especially pertinent to you fella’s who need to steer the ship. Ahhhhhhh!
Duke had done what his mamma taught him: pee first then wash your hands - wrong order of events in this restaurant. Again, ahhhhhhh!
He’s burning. He turns to his lovely wife and shared the horror of what was happening to his privates. She, like any concerned wife finding themselves in this situation, laughed.
He wanted to go home. He needed to go home. But he couldn’t move. He was on fire. Our ‘faster than a speeding bullet’ man was buckled over and sizzling.
How far away is the local emergency department?
Is there a urologist in the house?
Smart Mrs. Duke said he better get back to that washroom and bust out the soap. He needed to stop this chemical spill if they were ever going to have a family of their own.
Duke staggered to the men’s room. Taking matters into his own hands, he unloaded the damaged goods into the sink and begin to save what he could. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Now what makes me laugh is imagining the other guys that went into that washroom who didn’t know about the waiver wings. Can’t you just picture their surprised faces when they walked in on some neat freak giving himself a sponge bath in the sink!
I’m happy to report that Duke is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound again. And that he barely screams out in his sleep anymore.
Confucius say “He who ignores fine print, soon finds himself sinking.”